When They Make You Feel Expansive
In my last blog post I talked about not getting ‘small’ for anyone, especially the FF (the ‘Forbidden Fruit’ when you’re in the Sex Surge®). I talked about not making less of your self, your growth, your desires, your intellect, or your personality so that you could connect with someone. It’s applicable in other places in life, but especially in romantic relationships. It’s not healthy for you or the relationship to make yourself smaller for anyone.
But what about the opposite? What about when your FF, or something or someone else, make you feel expansive? gorgeous? smart as fuck? sexy just for being?
It would seem that feeling and being expansive – our best self, our most open and creative self, our most engaged self – would be a great thing, right? It’s the opposite of ‘getting small,’ after all. And I would agree, expansiveness is way better than being small, even if it is sometimes problematic, too.
In my experience, the feeling of expansiveness isn’t as problematic when it’s a job or creative activity or something else that makes you feel that way. It’s easy to let our energy flow in places like that and it generally doesn’t get us into trouble (except maybe if we spend too much time on those projects and interactions). It’s when our expansiveness comes from a relationship, and often one that isn’t our primary relationship, that it can be problematic.
This feeling of expansiveness can also be something that just happens at mid-life and has zero to do with the Sex Surge. In fact, I wrote a rather lengthy section in the book about what the difference is between the Sex Surge and just feeling like an amazing, sexy woman at mid-life. But it can also be a part of the Sex Surge, and if it involves someone who isn’t our primary partner, the joy of feeling so expansive and engaged can lead to questioning our relationship, wondering if we should be with the person who makes us feel so great, and contemplating or engaging in an affair.
Here are some things to think about if you’re feeling expansive and wonderful because of someone and not sure where it’s taking you.
- Where is the expansiveness coming from? You? The Other Person? Is it coming from your heart? gut? pelvis? Each connection and energy has a different message for us, so we need to know which part of us is trying to get our attention, and why.
- Is the feeling of expansiveness superficial or something deeper? How do you know which one it is?
- Does the feeling of expansiveness have anything to do with an old trauma? is the feeling of being your best self healing? or is it covering over something? (for instance, does it help you ignore the difficulties in your primary relationship?)
- Are you bullshitting yourself about any of this? We all have that internal voice or aspect that knows when we’re full of shit. Sometimes feeling expansive means we ignore the voice; that’s rarely a good thing.
I don’t want this to sound like we should shut down our energy and good vibes because we fear we might have an affair or ruin our primary partnership when someone else is helping us feel expansie. First of all, sometimes we need to have an affair or get out of the partnership so we can grow (that’s really a thing!). But, secondly, I think we owe it to ourselves (and our partnerships, if we’re in one) to take a step back, be a bit more grounded, and explore where all this is coming from and what it is telling us about our needs and desires.
I think that feeling expansive is wonderful and we should seek it out and hold tight to it whenever we find it. When we find that expansiveness because of a connection with someone else, I believe we also owe it to ourselves to dig deeper, learn about ourselves, and make more informed decisions. Most of all, I believe at mid-life we owe it to ourselves to be as alive as possible, even if that journey is not what we expect.