The What? The Sex Surge!The Sex Surge® is a significant increase in libido and sexual desire, and accompanying sexual thoughts and actions, that some women experience during their mid-30s to mid-60s. Women generally report wanting sex and/or orgasm – or even needing it – much more often than usual. Typically, the Sex Surge happens to women:
- Whose youngest child is over the age of 3, or who have no children (there are exceptions, but they have been rare)
- Who is between the ages of 33 and 63, give or take (yes, libido changes happen at other times, but the Sex Surge is unique in how and why it happens to women in this age range.)
Your sexual attention, energy, and desire may be focused on one person (who might be real or imaginary, and who might be available or not; we sometimes call this the “FF”- the Forbidden Fruit or the Friend I’d Like to Fuck).You may fantasize about giving your man (or your Forbidden Fruit – of any gender) some sexual pleasure in places you’ve never thought about before (the beach, the woods, a dark parking lot). Or locking that person in a hotel room for three days so you can Get It On. And on. And on.
You wake up and have between 3 seconds and 3 minutes before you start thinking about sex. And you think about it pretty much all day, including drawn-out and/or repetitive fantasies.You may find yourself willing to experiment sexually, which you were less likely to do before the libido increase.
You may be considering asking for an open relationship or permission for a ‘weekend pass,’ so you can have sex with new or multiple partners (or the Forbidden Fruit).You may be finding people at work are more attractive than you thought before. You might be looking up your high school boyfriend on FB a little more than you usually do.
Some women find they are attracted to a type of man they never found interesting before. Some women find that every man suddenly has some attractive quality (and wondering….”would that lead to hot sex?”). Some women find themselves unexpectedly attracted to other women.(If you’re a male reading this, my husband says the Sex Surge® is analogous to what you likely felt as a 23-24 year-old dude; you wanted to ‘tap the herd.’)
The Sex Surge is its own hormonal phase.If you’re experiencing any of these things:
- dramatically increased libido
- increased desire for touching and sensuality
- thinking about sex a good portion of the time
- drawn out or repetitive fantasizing
- experimenting with sexual expression (sexting, new positions, more/different partners)
Sounds great, right? But what if it’s…not?Wanting sex all the time, getting a little more excitement in your sex life, feeling turned on regularly – it sounds awesome. And it can be, if you have a great partner, open communication, and support. But what if all this is frustrating, frightening, or confusing? Sister, I have been there. Having a boat load of sexual energy running through you with not enough outlets is frustrating, to say the least. Trying not to think about sex when your brain is hormonally geared to is depleting. Being attracted to someone who is not your partner and not knowing what to do (stay? leave? have an affair? tough it out?) can bring on boatloads of confusion, guilt, and shame.
I help because I’ve been there.When I went through this phase I had *one* friend I could talk to. She was going through the exact same thing. She didn’t think I was crazy. She understood completely, because she was in it, too. We laughed, cried, and supported each other when we felt weak or ridiculous or made a stupid mistake (or six). It made the difference for each of us. Having guidance during this time is invaluable, because when the hormones are gone, the consequences of the decisions you make during this time remain. In my own life, and the lives of other women I’ve worked with, wrong steps have lead to lost friendships, reduced self-belief, divorces that didn’t need to happen, and years of frustration (sexual and otherwise) that could have been avoided. On the other hand, attentive listening, guidance, and personally-attuned tools for this phase also helped move women towards the goals they most wanted based on their new sexual needs and desires:
- enjoying better sex and more of it
- satisfying sensual encounters that fill a woman up
- greater self-understanding and acceptance
- discovering who the right partner is (maybe a divorce or affair is in order)
- and having fun with all the sexual energy instead of feeling overwhelmed by it.
Get the GuidebookI wrote a guidebook for the questions I get most about The Sex Surge- it’s called “You’re Not Crazy. You’re Not a Slut. You’re Not Alone. What You Need to Know about The Sex Surge.” You can get a copy of it, for free, by signing up for my newsletter. If you grab the guidebook and join the newsletter, you will get information about general hormone balancing and also specific tools and insight into The Sex Surge® on a (mostly) weekly basis. And you can always opt out at any time. [If the sign-up form isn’t working, you can still sign up from this link.
Who I HelpIf you find yourself in the Sex Surge and you need help navigating it, I am here to aid you in doing just that. I help women who typically fall into two groups:
Group 1: Too much sexual energy and not enough outlets.When you think about sex all day, it’s tough to get your work done. Amiright? I help women in this situation to explore options for letting their sexual energy out in healthy and pleasurable ways that work for their personality type and life situation. Using a holistic model for sexual exploration and expression, we find what works for you so you can get that energy o-u-t and make it work for you.
Group 2: Partnered women focused on someone else.You’re turned on. You want to Get It On. And your partner is not your top choice anymore. You’ve got your eye on Someone Else. The Forbidden Fruit. The Friend you’d like to Fuck. You don’t know whether this means you should end your partnership. Or have an affair. Or talk about it with your partner. Or suffer in silence. Or have a little fun…because you’d never let it get that far. Or what…?!?!? For women in this group we use many tools from Group 1- learning to get your sexual energy out in healthy and pleasurable ways. Because the need for sex and orgasm are clouding your decision-making capabilities. Once your sexual energy is playing a supportive role, we dig into the deeper questions:
- what do you need from your sex life now?
- what will you need later?
- which part of you is in the driver’s seat?
- which part of you needs to be in the driver’s seat?
- what lessons do you need to learn from this phase of life?