Joanna@JoannaMeriwether.com

the myth about sex and orgasm that needs to die

the myth about sex and orgasm that needs to die

I was talking with a One-Time Consult client last week and we came upon the idea that women should be having orgasms purely from penetrative sex, and not necessarily from direct stimulation of the clitoris. I’m sure a lot of women still think this, or wonder about it (maybe wonder why they can’t have an orgasm from direct penetration). We see magazines and advertising and all kinds of stuff that suggests we should be having wild orgasms simply from amazing penises banging around inside us. But here’s the thing: it’s a total myth.

Furthermore, it’s a myth that makes women feel inadequate or wrong in their sexual experiences and it’s so completely untrue that I want to expose it for what it is (a lie) and let it die a fiery death.

[Now, because I am learning to be a better person, I am going to clarify here: I am primarily talking to women who have sex with men and to women who have sex with people that use penetrative devices- toys, hands, fingers, etc. If this is not you, please feel free to ignore this post.]

So, here’s the thing about penetrative sex and female orgasm: research says it doesn’t happen very often. Like, maybe 1-2% of women have an orgasm from the stimulation provided by a penis and testicles penetrating their vagina and/or rhythmically bumping up against the clitoris and/or vulva. So, if this if you- CONGRATULATIONS and maybe I’m a little jealous. :o) But for most of us, orgasm from penile stimulation only is not going to happen.

Here is the truth, lady friends: orgasm happens when your clitoris is adequately stimulated by whatever feels good.

Now, that could be a penis rubbing up against your clit, could be fingers, could be a vibrator, could be some little silicone treat, could be a tongue, could be a lot of things. (Gotta admit, tongue is my personal favorite for giving and receiving pleasure- there’s so many options for creativity!) But 98% of women are only going to reach orgasm by direct stimulation, direct touching on and around the clitoris. (Please remember, your clitoris is not just a little button. It looks like this.)

 

a wooden hammer in front of a yellow background as a symbol of a penis

 

As I’ve written this piece, I’ve been wondering about where the idea that women have orgasms from penetration only came from. I’ve no idea except that men controlled women’s healthcare and bodies for…oh, pretty much all of modern history…so their ideas, beliefs, and perspectives were far more accepted. (Jesus, even today you still gotta explain to some dudes *where* the clit is and how yours in particular likes to be touched.)

Sigmund Freud, for all his sexism, at least recognized that women needed orgasms on occasion. And, really, I’m gonna guess a lot of historic dudes just assumed that if he got off, so did she. In modern times, porn (which I do like for some things, but this is where it has a definite downside) has made it look like all women come, all the time, every time, from penetration. Again: it’s a lie. And it’s time to let it go. Buh-bye.

Here’s what I do want you to know about female orgasms:

  • you deserve to have them. If you want them, you should get them. (If you don’t, that’s okay, too!)
  • you deserve a partner who will create them with you (even if it takes ‘forever,’ even as your erogenous landscape shifts)
  • they change as our hormones change (intensity, sensitivity, etc.)
  • you can communicate about how you like them AND your partner should be listening and taking your advice and also be looking for non-verbal cues about whether what they are doing is working or not (your level of wetness, your movements, your moaning/vocalization, etc.)
  • it’s good, once in a while, to do a personal check-in with your pink parts and see what feels good. Not just klittra, but also just taking some time to hang out and see what feels good and brings pleasure. (Sometimes I gently and slowly run my fingers around and along my clit and see where there is more and less sensitivity. Helpful for me and my partner.)
  • most women have better orgasms if they are experiencing pleasure in other parts of their body. Erogenous zones are a thing and they aid orgasm. (Monica knows.)
  • when a woman feels safe, heard, and cared for, she is more likely to orgasm.
  • You know your lady parts best. You know what they like, you know how they work, you know what feels good. Feel empowered by that.

I feel like society present female orgasm as some kind of impossible thing to have or give. But that’s just BS. A woman’s orgasm is a beautiful thing, a necessary thing, because it is fuel for her deepest self. It is fun, connection, safety, joy, heat, expression, love. You deserve good orgasms. They aren’t likely to happen simply from penile penetration, but a kind and thoughtful lover is going to be interested in doing more than that, anyway. Cultivate your orgasm, enjoy it, however you get there.

 

 

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