The Most Important Thing I Know About Peri-menopause and The Sex Surge

The Most Important Thing I Know About Peri-menopause and The Sex Surge

picture of a woman laying down in a concrete parking lot, not sure which way to go

Not joking. Not exaggerating. What I have to tell you today is literally the most important thing I know about both peri-menopause and the Sex Surge.

I will start this by saying that I’ve been going through some stuff lately. Not ‘bad’ stuff- but ‘clarifying’ stuff. Some of it is that I’ve gotten super sick of my own shit and realized it’s time to surrender to some things and time to figure out what to do next (sorry to be vague, I will have more details on this later). Some of what has happened is getting sick of other people’s shit. And some of what has happened has also caused me to get really clear that there is a bunch of BS out there regarding women in menopause and I’m rather sick of it. I’m done with a few things, if you know what I mean.

And that has caused me to get clear that I need to start talking about peri-menopause again a bit. (Part of it is that I’ve gotten bored with what I’m writing lately- feeling a bit less inspired- so that always means it’s time to spice things up and move in a different direction. Or to refresh a previous direction!) And as I was stewing in my ‘done with it’ attitude I realized I wanted to start telling some truths about peri-menopause and the Sex Surge again.

So here we are. With the biggest truth I know about both of them.


The most important thing you can do to deal with either of them and come out well on the other side is to do the psychological, emotional, and (sometimes) spiritual work that it calls you to.

The psychological and emotional work that comes as a result of these phases is the most important work you can do for yourself. Truly.


picture of a woman laying down in a concrete parking lot, not sure which way to go


In one sense, the physical symptoms of peri-menopause and the Sex Surge will take care of themselves. Of course, this isn’t entirely true- the physical symptoms of both can be extremely difficult, even painful and debilitating. We do need to take care of them, of our body, as we go through these phases. But from another perspective, our bodies will go through the changes and eventually shift into something else, even if we don’t do much about them.

But our minds and spirits are different.

When our mind changes from being primarily estrogen-based to far less estrogen-based (I used a car metaphor in this post) it can change some deep things about our sense of ourself. We might not feel as confident. We might feel more anxious or depressed. We might feel more angry or the need to get away from everyone for a while. These kinds of feelings can disrupt our sense of ourselves- and we need to honor that disruption. It is the disruption of our sense of self that is the deeper work we have to do in peri-menopause. More often than not, we come into peri-menopause and begin to realize there is some left over emotional junk in our psychological attic. Peri-menopause is exactly the right time to take a look at those things so we can clear out the junk and leave our psyche as clean as possible.

In the exact same way, the Sex Surge can also call us to clear out some emotional junk. Most often, I have seen women need to come clean about who they are now and what they want now. For some, this work looks like accepting that their marriage is over. For others, it’s accepting that they want to be more sexually explorative. For others, the work of the Surge is to make their inner life align with their outer life- even if that means destruction. The Surge may call us to work on things that are far more psychological than physical.

And while the physical changes of both these stages are important and necessary, the most important work that can be done is that which resides most deeply within us- in our hearts and minds. I can’t tell you what this work will look like, only that it will probably involve understanding yourself in some completely new way, or learning to become a new version of yourself. But what I can tell you is that this work is worth it- 110%. I can tell you that if you don’t do it you will probably live a fine life, but there will be things nagging you in the back of your head and heart for years to come. It’s worth the time and effort to do the work of cleaning out the cobwebs and making a clear space for all that is to come.



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