When I was going through the Sex Surge®, I read a lot of erotica. It was a non-destructive way to release some of my own sexual tension through scenarios that were different (or similar) to what I had been imagining with various lovers. There are a million types of erotica. Some involve siblings, mind control, fantasy scenarios (there is some fantastic Lord of the Rings erotica out there), and a lot of swinging and group sex. There was also a lot of erotica that related to domination, violence, and pain.
At this point in my life, I don’t judge any of it. Fantasy is different from reality, and if the idea of having sex with Aragorn or Frodo or your neighbor or twelve of your neighbors turns you on, then have at it. I often tell my consult clients “I have heard everything under the sun”- so let me tell you that real life can be equally as unexpected (and sexy) as what we fantasize about.
There is one thing we know about fantasy that is different from reality, though, and that is that women don’t enjoy sex when they don’t feel safe, despite what some erotica writers might depict. We know from research that a fair amount of women fantasize about, and sometimes participate in, bondage, discipline, and other ‘power’ scenarios where they are the less powerful person. We also know from research that women enjoy these fantasies primarily because they don’t have to be in control any longer. All day women have to deal with the details of life: work, kids, partner, appointments, groceries, housework, emotional labor, etc. For many women, giving up control during sex is a welcome relief.
But here’s the thing about those ‘power’ scenarios: in each and every one of them, the woman is safe and she knows she’ll get an orgasm at the end of the encounter.
Safety is key to sexual fulfillment.
A woman can be into all kinds of kink, but she’s almost always in it because she feels safe there. In fact, I know more than a few women who feel more safety in their kink relationships than inside an intimate relationship with one partner. >> Think about what that means.<<
Safety and respect are the foundation for good sex.
In the last year or so in America there has been a lot in the news about sexual assault. In each and every instance, I have been emailed by handful (or more) of women who felt they could tell me their story about their own sexual assault. I have felt deeply honored to be the person they chose to share with. (Listening to another’s pain is a sacred task, in my opinion.) Always, always these stories involve feeling a lack of safety (which is why we call it assault).
I don’t know of any woman who feels truly at home in sex when she is unsafe. Even when a woman engages in sex that involves bondage or power plays or other kinds of violence, she has the option of using a safe word. She has the option to stop at any moment she begins to feel unsafe or unsure or confused. She has the option to leave and never return. Even if we find these kinds of fantasies strange or ‘not our thing’ they contain something important to all women for good sex: respect and safety.
When we feel respected and safe, women feel free to bloom in sexual encounters. When we feel respected and safe, women can relax and enjoy sex. When we feel respected and safe, women can open our bodies, minds, and hearts to our lover. When we feel respected and safe, our partner gets the best of us, because we can be free. When we feel respected and safe, women enjoy sex. In fact, I think this sometimes why our FF (Fuckable Friend in the Sex Surge) is so appealing- because we believe they see us and respect us in a way that maybe our current partner does not.
Because safety for women is key to their sexual fulfillment, you will always find me fighting for it. If there was one thing the Sex Surge® showed me, it is that women should be allowed whatever form of sexual expression we wish for- whether that’s big or little or green or blue or three times a year or three times a day or whatever. I fight for us to have the space to express ourselves, sexually, however we wish. I fight for the Sex Surge to not be seen as some kind of ‘freak’ thing. I fight for women who have no or low libido to also not be seen as some kind of ‘freak’ thing. I fight for the safety of women so we can be free to have all kinds of libido and all kids of sex that is free from fear. Because we have a right to have whatever kind of sex we want – which is always, always based in safety.