A dear friend from high school stopped over for tea on Monday. She and I were soul-buddies in high school, lost touch as we adulted, and then found each other again three or four years ago.
Sometimes, a soul buddy remains a soul buddy your whole life.
And so, when she comes over, we chat about the superficial stuff, but then we dive right into where our hearts and souls are at, what’s moving more deeply through our lives, and how we’re making it at 42.
My friend is the biggest ‘love maker’ I know. She really, really loves everyone. And sometimes that means making love by having sex, but more often it means giving her heart to whoever arrives so that love can be shared and multiplied.
So, we were sitting there and she asked, “What did you learn from him? The FF guy?” (I think I’ve finally waded through everything with him- the connection, the feelings, the loss, the grief- it’s very much as if he died and I feel that I can speak about it all more openly now. Weird, but…there you go.)
“What I learned the most about was my sensual and sexual self,” I said.
The weight of the Sex Surge was so heavy that I had to act it out. And the desperate need to behave differently helped me discover so much more about who I am. About what I want and need. And about my sensual self.
I told her that some parts of my sensual self I keep for private. I’m an introvert by nature, so most of my sensual self-expression is either with people I trust or in ways that other people can’t touch/judge me emotionally (like, writing erotica or website posts or creative acts because I can put them out there and walk away). My partner has been the beneficiary of this part of my sensual growth.
And it’s not as if I’m suddenly some hot, tantric mom (although we do use some Tantric techniques!) but both of us express our needs and desires more easily, more frequently, and with a lot more satisfaction than before the Surge. Which, yaknow, leads to some fun stuff. Some very fun stuff.
I also learned how to take my sensuality out into the world a bit more easily. I gave myself permission to wear sexier clothes, to walk with confidence and joy, to be attracted to things and people, and to feel the pull of what turned me on (which, it turns out, is a lot of things). I allowed myself to flirt and be attractive to others. (And goddess bless the cute tech at my local pharmacy. Gotta be half my age, but his eyes light up when I come in and he says witty things that spark my brain, and he smiles in a shy way. And I let myself join in and enjoy the fuck out of it.)
I learned not to hold myself back so much.
That’s the biggest thing I learned from my FF.
[Also, an important aside: I used to give all the credit to my FF for helping me learn all that I did. But about eight months ago I realized: I chose to learn all that. That was me, not him. I chose to be my own power, strength, and savior.]
So, today, whether you’re in the Surge or not, I’m wondering:
What doorways do you keep yourself from going through?
Where do you say to yourself, “I wish I could do that” or “God, I want to try that!” but don’t?
Where do you wish for things, people, or experiences but not give yourself permission to interact with them?
What things pull your heart or soul but you talk yourself out of them? [my personal fave.]
I believe there is deep, important work in learning to let ourselves have these things. I believe that opening our sensuality is an important piece of mid-life growth and self-acceptance. I believe that the more we get ‘turned on’ by life, the more we thrive (even if we’re introverts and it doesn’t look like much changed!). I believe we deserve our sensuality. And that it is okay to give ourselves permission to enjoy it.