I was asked about today’s topic by six different people in the last two weeks, so I figure it’s time to bring it out again. This is a re-boot of an old post about what happens when the Sex Surge is finished and some thoughts on the libido drop associated with peri-menopause. It’s a video that I still think is useful, although I feel about 10 years older than when I made it. I wouldn’t change anything, except maybe when I called menopause “meno-stop.” Ugh, bad joke.
When I first posted this video, I got a lot of helpful feedback- both from women who were dealing with the Sex Surge and from women who were dealing with the exact opposite- a complete lack of libido. So, today I am offering the original video about what happens when the Sex Surge goes back down the other side of the mountain and also the what happened after, where we talk about what is important about libido at mid-life.
I hope you find them helpful.
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Post 1: Video
Dudes! I made a video.
And it was fun.
And it answers the two biggest questions I get about libido:
- What happens when the Sex Surge is over? Where does the libido go? (on a bike? on a hike? out the door? forever more?)
- How do I deal with low libido?
The first question does focus primarily on the Sex Surge, but I also talk about changes in libido during peri-menopause and menopause (which I made up a new name for- watch!).
The second question looks at some of the common causes for low libido at mid-life and what some options are for working with it.
As I say in the video it is NSFW – Not Safe For Work. I have a potty mouth, what can I say?
If you can’t see the video for some reason (or it won’t run or whatever), click this link to see it on YouTube.
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The following is the reply to this video, when someone called me out on what libido is and why we need to think differently about libido at mid-life.
Part 2: Reply to the Video
Last week I offered up my first video for this site (you can see it here) and I thank all of you who watched it and offered comments and feedback. I’m glad you found it helpful and I will be doing more videos, for sure.
What I wanted to focus on today some really wise and thoughtful feedback I got from one of my peri-menopause ladies about the video. She wrote:
“Some viewers, such as myself, they will be thinking, ‘What do you mean, your libido goes back to former levels, or stays slightly elevated?!?!’ In my world, and that of MANY, many women I know, it’s all part of a continuum, where one’s libido starts the long sloooooow slide, from which it never recovers.
And while you are absolutely right about the tools that one can utilize to keep it pulsing, the ironic thing is that when you don’t have that much of a libido, you don’t care that you’re not fucking much anymore, and you also don’t care that you don’t have that much of a libido! In fact, when your vaginal walls have thinned, intercourse can be really painful (even with goo), and sometimes it is with gratitude that I forego it and replace it with some other form of sex/sensuality.
That all makes it a bit hard to get Tantrically motivated, and sometimes it even feels like one more thing our culture tells us we need to do… can’t I just relax for a while? Do I have to deal with being old, AND feel guilty about not being Sensually Actualized at the same time? Having a nice calm (barely breathing) libido is kind of a relief.”
I want to thank this reader for taking the time to reply to me. And I want to say: Preach, sister!
Because all of what she wrote is true and right and good.
I walk a funny line on this website, because I help women as they transition into and through peri-menopause (where libido does generally decrease), but I also talk about this problem of the Sex Surge where libido is so intense it makes life difficult.
In some ways, these are two sides of the same coin: libido problems at mid-life (or later). But they are also opposite problems: libido going up and libido going down. So I address both- because both are real and happening to the women I work with. (And honestly, I love the differences between peri-menopause clients and Surge clients!) But I understand that addressing both sides of libido makes it..confusing.
Here is what I can tell you that is absolutely not confusing: I AM FOR ALL KINDS OF FEMALE LIBIDO.
Pink and orange and green and striped ones.
Barely breathing ones.
What I am really about here is the utter and total acceptance of female sexual expression at any and all levels. I love all the shapes and forms of the female libido. The high ones, the low ones, and all the stuff in the middle. I want all of them to be accepted in this world.
I want women to stop fearing either a small, tired libido or a giant, intense one. I want knowledge and acceptance for all of them. I want there to be resources to support all different kinds of libidos. I want society to quit saying libido should look (and act) only within a very limited set of options. Those narrow options for female libido hurt women. And I certainly did not mean to suggest that every woman should want a particular type of libido (high, intense, etc).
‘Should’ is a problem word, because it’s based on other people’s opinions of your behavior. I don’t want libido to be a ‘should’ for any woman.
I would really like it if women could say, “here is where my libido is at right now” and society in general would Shut The Fuck Up. And when a woman says, “here is where my libido is at right now” with her partner, they would talk about that- if it’s problematic for one or both of them- so sexual satisfaction and emotional closeness is maintained. But there would be no finger pointing or guilt because we’re not trying to live up to some useless ideal- instead, we’re talking about what works for us.
In short, I want no libido left behind. I want all of them to be accepted and acceptable. I want us to know more, understand more, and be able to talk more about our libidos. I simply want more acceptance of women, and our libidos, through our whole life.
And if I get confusing on this point again, call me out. This site is no good without clarity.
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Having the Sex Surge slow down or end can be a really difficult thing. For me, it wasn’t that bad; I was glad to see it go. But for others, the Sex Surge is hugely enjoyable and sometimes helps redefine who they are; it’s hard to let that go. What I know for sure is that libido is a fickle thing at mid-life. And perhaps it is far more about accepting where we are, where it is, than being too tightly attached to it, because it will change. Here is to greater acceptance of the female libido, whatever she looks like.